Coping with pregnancies after a stillbirth
Amanda, mother of 3, talks about the stillbirth of her son, and gives advice for support people
"My first baby, Toby, was stillborn at 40 weeks. At just over 8 pounds he was a beautiful, big baby who should be with me today. After losing a child women can turn their focus to getting pregnant again as quickly as possible. That was not the case for me. However, only 2 months after Toby was born I discovered I was pregnant again. It was a huge shock and something I wasn’t ready for.
I spent the next 36 weeks walking on eggshells, convinced this baby was going to die, and I couldn’t bring myself to think about a live baby. I couldn’t talk about my pregnancy and I couldn’t bear to hear about other pregnancies or new babies. Instead of thinking about the future, I was quietly planning her funeral.
With my anxiety unchecked and out of control, Poppy was induced at 36 weeks. She survived, but I was still convinced she was going to die. That fear didn't pass until after she was 40 weeks. I hadn’t considered life with a live baby and I was still getting over Toby.
Friends and professionals helped fight with depression
I did recognise I was depressed, however, and called a wonderful friend who helped me through. The Plunket team, my GP and my LMC also kept a very close eye on me. It was 8 months when the fog started to lift and I relaxed into motherhood.
Two-and-a-half years on I decided I was ready to try again and this pregnancy was very different. I wasn’t as scared but I still couldn’t think beyond the birth or bear talking about my pregnancy, and I didn’t want to hear about any others. I did see a psychiatrist who helped me manage my anxiety and I was quick to get the heartbeat checked if I had any concern before anxiety could build. Georgia was delivered at 39 weeks.
When you lose a baby people can say some strange things. I know they felt they had to say something and sometimes what they came up with really stung. Things like “oh well he’s in a better place now”, gave me no comfort.
Assumptions can be inaccurate
There was also an assumption that when I fell pregnant again I could put it all behind me. Not the case. With Georgia there was an assumption that this pregnancy would be normal because I had a toddler keeping me preoccupied. Also not true. New babies don’t replace the ones who don’t make it. And now, as my girls reach those precious milestones, I often think of Toby. He should be starting school now, paving the way for his sisters. I don’t think I will every stop wanting my baby boy."
Helping someone get through
Grief is very personal, everyone is different, and these are only tips that helped me - ask the person what they want.
- Talk about the baby who died and use his or her name.
- Don’t be afraid to shed a tear.
- Let the parents talk about their experience. The more you tell the story the easier it becomes to live with.
- Don’t assume they will ever put the loss of their baby behind them, they won’t. New babies are siblings for those who have died.
- Find out if they want to talk about their pregnancy and if they don’t, don’t ask. This may feel wrong or strange but apparently this is common and it certainly helped me through.
- The same applies when talking about other babies or pregnancies.
- I got professional help the second time round and it made a world of difference.
- One of the hardest things was losing my coffee group; the women have stayed in touch and been wonderful and and supported me. But I didn’t have a coffee group with Poppy and I found that hard and isolating. Auckland Sands (Stillborn and new baby death support) have a monthly coffee group, so you don’t have to be alone.
- My husband has been an incredible strength and support for me through all of this but he lost his son as well. Don’t forget the dads, they may seem strong and they may appear to be coping but they are grieving just as much, and the anxiety is just as real.